title you :]

i think i like hitting random people up because i`m bored.
it makes me laugh, hahaha.
<333

i`ll be your corner stone of shock therapy and new management.

speaking as you, means me.
i`ve got dirty laundry.
metaphorically speaking, along with the truth.
so i should do the laundry.
i`m to lazy for both though..


talking to old flings,
making me smile today.
ha, crazy bitch.
missing him a little.
late night chats and all.

I CAN`T WAIT TO DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY TONITE!
i hope we do end up going, it`ll be a nice change.
skummy bitches paint this floor gold tonite.

i laughed a lot yesterday, it was a little out of the ordinary.
only because there was nothing to laugh at...
like i was laughing at myself.
i made pretty much no sense.
hahaha...

i`m listening to my ring tones right now, only because my cd player is broken!!
grr.. i`ve gotta get a new one.

one more month till the concert!!
go me...

- jaK

make up smears with overcast.

i haven`t posted here in a while, i miss it <3

curled up in my favorite cheetah blanket.
starving for attention.
hating the kind i get.
loving each inch that i don`t.
clearly speaking for yourself.
screw my impression on being kind hearted.
fucking playing the rules,
i`m cheating all the games.
say your true feelings backwards right?
fuck my excuse for an answer.
i`ve only got questions to spit.
answering questions with questioning answers.
say what?
stepping on heart ache,
smiling at lonlyness.
content in the position i`ve set myself in.
only getting yourself so far,
you`re the only one getting you there though.
my minds thinks backwards,
and is always ahead of my fingers.
now you`ve written it.
truth behind the mask of false advertisement.
suck it up,
you`ll see whatever it is you feel to believe.
been counting in minutes, instead of numbers.
gimmy seven minutes to love you, i`ll take three to forget you.
easy as cutting names into hearts.

i miss my old inspiration, picking up on new ones i guess.

- jaK

me vs. myself

if i ever had to explain why i never write highly of myself, i doubt i could do it. i`m not entirely sure. maybe because the girl i see is different then what others do. it`s kinda like going the wrong way down a one way street. you`ll never be right. sometimes i feel like i`ll never be right when it comes to myself. everyone wants to tell me that i`m something different. kinda like my opinion is always wrong. i wonder, because i`m me. only i would no. so i`m sure my opinion is held a little more accountable then yours.
i wish i could find someone, kinda like me. someone that nobody quiet understands. someone everyone thinks they have figured out, but in retrospect have no idea. they only think what they see. maybe we`d get each other, our feelings could be mutual.

me vs. me.
bitchy yet an awakening attitude,
you`ve held the world on your shoulders, and you`ll turn your back on it.
seems like you`ve never cared when it came to that.
you belong in your mind, certain things shouldn`t be said.
you always find a way though.
if a conscience could be purchased i say you should be first in line.
a touch cynical, and overly high strung.
you over-react any chance you get.
and any slight piece of misery, you take it.
it makes you content.
you both have a mutual love for each other.
maybe the only one who`ll ever truly love you.
you walk with a smile and a handful of laughs,
i guess smiling through the pain makes it a lot easier.
kinda like an alter ego.
it`s better to have two sides.
you`ve learned how to keep them separate.
keep in mind you`ll always hold your head high.

" you love to find peoples buttons, and push them. "

just another piece that makes you tick.

with all the more i could say, we`ll leave it at that. . .

i take lonlyness in large doses.

give me a pill, make it go away for the night.

be mine for one more night.

if i could go back, i`d ask them all why they left.
i may have said my own goodbyes, but it was always to save myself.
in my mind i always knew it was goodbye.
sooner never later.
figured if i let go first, it would save me.

there`s no way to save me now...

should people give up on me? or loosen up and try a personality on for size?

i wish there was an easier way to let go.
like giving up on her.
forgetting that part forever.
i somewhat hate myself.
parts of me that is....

wish loving me was that easy.
not only in my case, but for others.

i think all my stars died a long time ago.
maybe i`m just wishing on black holes.
nothings ever been stable for me, i think that`s why nothing comes out right.
all i know is chaos.
deep down inside i`m sure i love it.
almost like needing it to breath.

i`m guessing you`ll all leave sooner or later.

carved your name in my heart, but the wounds have long healed.

what would you say?
i feel like i`m playing the worlds smallest violen when it comes to you.
or that i`m a record stuck on repeat.
i do hate the way i feel, for hating you.
said i`m done over and over again.
this time, i`ll hope it`s for real.
finally told i was done.
this time it was you whom chased.
your turn to cry.

if i had a minute for every breath i`ve wasted.

bring me up,
let me fall.
it`s a pattern i`m always willing to follow.
feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.
i`d hide if there was a sure way i could never come out.
my trains ready to crash.
only because i feel out of control.
not running myself at the moment.
maybe it`s wanting to get away,
maybe it`s because i wish i still needed you.
i`d be a solid lie if i said hating you didn`t come as easy now.
i see everything clearly.
just can`t register them anymore.


haven`t eaten much,
not because i don`t want to, just because seems pointless.


wish for the day : that i didn`t change my mind so often.

late night discusions.

"realitySUCKS", w h e n i t B I T E S y o u . . .

i`m an overstatement.

i read something today,
it made me think.
probably because i relate completely.
people say oh you`re so beautiful, and your personality is amazing.
yeah well, i say that`s an overstatement.
i`ll never feel that way.
i`m a shitty person, you ask me.
i always make the bottom of my list.
beautiful especially, eh. i`d say a 5.
and that`s being generous in my eyes.
i may make you laugh and give you a smile, still doesn`t mean i`m a good person.
more goes on then what a lot of people see.
i could be voted most beautiful, in my eyes i`d never see it.
doubt i ever will.

give up your fantasies, grow into new found reality.

guess i woke up today,
realizing dreams don`t always come true.
aim lower.
i should shoot down my wishing stars tonite,
tip over some fountains.

i`m to young, you`ll hate to love me.

i can see it now.
kinda like reading into the future.
you`ll be my greatest story yet.
i`ll appeal to every emotion you wish you never had.
old habits never completely die.
bury me along with your dreams.
we`ll go down together.
rehab would help,
but we`ll never want to let go.

a sinners mind never lets it forget.

i died to believe you`d always love me, at least now i can haunt your dreams.

you don`t know what i see, and you can`t feel it without me.

ask me the same question over again.
yeah this time i don`t care.
i`ll answer you to your liking now.
feels good.
telling you for once what you`d like to here.
who knows how long it`ll last.
could change over night.
walking past the day we met.
makes me sick.
not like the flew,
like a relapse of suicide pills.
i`d say never go back.
with me, the i`s don`t always have it.

moods come and go, kinda like weather.

rolled outta bed.
the same skummy bitch didn`t come out though.
i smiled,
not in the mood to piss on people.
well atleast not today.
talking to old friends.
kinda like a one night stand, you always try to forget the next day.
no one really speaks of it, or speak after.

uh, now changed my mind.
people are annoying and i`m back to being skum bag.
guys don`t know how to talk to me, and girls are fake,
eh, vegas sucks.

friday night.

eh, i`d say it was so so.
atleast it was all of us together.
hasn`t been that way in a while, it was fun.
we didn`t do much, just went out to eat and hung out at coRey`s.
my throat hurts now from doing this stupid creepy voice.
we messed with some people, then tried to hang out with our wonderful internet friends,
LMFAO.
way better then real ones, yennah... hahaha, riiiiiight.

i`m about to take kendra home, then i might go home too.
i don`t want to though, i know there`s a fight waiting to happen.
the tabliods make me laugh, they`re pretty hilariouse.
coRey`s reading to me about shit i don`t care about.
going home to read then sleep... hmm and eat.

nightmares at sunrise.

this walkway is paved with fuck ups.
but this home was built on good intentions.

HUNGER PAINS for the Vegetarian heart.

i`m laughing to myself.
or should i say at myself.
better safe then sorry.
i can`t cook for shit.
unless peanut butter and jelly or maci cheese count.
wishing sushi restraunts had drive-thrus.
dominoes should sell by the slice.
i would make grilled cheese,
but my attention span always fall short.
no one likes burnt sanwhiches.

haha, written at 1:50 p.m.

mums the word straight to hell, we all follow similar patterns.

it`s almost like i sleep in forget me town.
but then again almosts only go so far.
the world says they`ve got me figured out.
give or take a laugh or two,
and by the world i`m speaking in generalization.
those who`ve come in contact with me.
no one sees the inside.
only what there eyes tell them.
probably because most only want to see outter layers.
attention is grabbed easily,
doesn`t mean it`s for the right reasons.
i always seem to wish that some one will come along and figure me out.
fill in the puzzle pieces i don`t even see.
i spill no secrets.
only those you fish out.
not everyones so easily read.
i need effort and punched time cards.
an endless car crash with just a dash of an uneasy mind.
i`m tired to say the least.

"stop writing my life for me."

i guess i`m in a list kinda mood.

listing; upcoming things, feelings, wants/needs.

01. california FINALLY!
02. still feeling distant from you.
03. getting over lost loves.
04. figured out you where never worth it.
05. going shopping for more stretch pants and crazy clothes.
06. new style coming soon.
07. concert, ugh delayed.
08. picnics with brown baskets are cliche`
09. i`ve been journaling, which is something i haven`t done in forever.
10. my internet will be back on soon.
11. english homework sucks
12. i make myself laugh, alot
13. my dog is awesome
14. my 3 bestfriends is all i need right now

things are good at the moment. can`t get myself out of my head though. still thinking about a lot.

shopping in the misery department

i burn bridges,
never completely though.
just so i can keep myself content in the misery i created.

alone in your city.

lies can be read like books, only if you read the right ones.
they`re only untold stories.
i watched each day as the chapters filled in.
never meant much right?
your words remind me, remind me that you forget about me each time the phone hangs up.
if only hate came as easy for me.
strong dislike is more along your lines.
i just never want to know.
buried in the black hole of your heart.
then again in every ones.
i pray to not see you again.
maybe in hell though,
we`ve both got spots saved.
half hearted sorrys where always your thing.
finally woke up,
fell out of the day we met.
my scars tell our stories,
they`re always my favorite.

loaded guns shot at wishing stars.

i sat at the tip of vegas.
watched the lights dance, took it all in.
small sips kept back the tears.
relaxing.
it gave me a chance to think.
i shot my thoughts out,
silently screamed.
wish i could have seen the stars though.
the non-superficial ones that is.
brite lights always seem to take there place.
vegas skies always have an orange haze to them.
the drive home was breaths taken in.
i wish i`d drove forever.

people now a days are so in the box. no one feels the need to be different, or themselves. but why would anywhere else be any different? i think to myself sometimes if there`s more to life then this.

01. changes need to be made.
02. i need to get myself out of my head.
03. i think way to much.
04. the world is full of lies.
05. sometimes i feel i have no real friends.
06. i`m happy with being skinny.
07. i feel i`m out of my mind, inside my mind.
08. my thoughts leak out of my head as it hits the pillow.
09. i`m tired of the fakeness that surrounds me.
10. starting to feel i`ll be alone forever.

10 days things will be better. i`ll feel closer to her. give me tomorrow and life will be back to normal.

all eyes on lies.

accusations are hilarious.
lies are grand, and high school is like the tabloids.
i`m talked about by people i haven`t spoken to in years.
sorry to say to myself, i love the attention.
it made me smile, laugh at the most.
kinda don`t care.
simple stupidity.

dumpster diver!

so kendra is a dumpster diver. she must really love vicky, because vicky accidentally threw her invisoline away in a macdonalds bag, and kendra jumped in and got it.

LMFAOO, my ass is just on the sideline cracking up!
it was amazing.

i took it back when the world cried.

it rained last night.
relationships are repatched, things feel complete again.
cleared your face, erased memories in my mind.
the night can be cruel.
new goals are in mind now.
i`ll find the one.
not today that is, sometimes i keep in mind it won`t be soon.
loneliness is happiness.
content in my misery.
mistakes repeated.
late night calls just to finish my day.
happiness can`t complete me.

other then that, i`m content.
i have good feelings about myself and others around me.
new style, new feelings.

writings on your wall.

puncture my soul.
slide your blades across me.
numb to bitterness.
no need to save me.
uncut eyes save herself.
make sence?
of writing or of my life.
i write the way my mind processes.
unfinished line, along with unfinished chapters.
how quickly does a puzzle ever complete?
out of mind i have the world packed.
i`m ready to climb out, into the sun.
watch where my feet drag me.
all i can be is her, the girl staring at me in the mirror.
sorry for the displeasing smurks, and the harsh words thrown.
my car only crashes in mind.
remove my conciense.
then again, when did i ever have one.
sorrys flow easily when in retrospect they never had meanings attached.
depressed, no.
not the least bit.
just always a deep thinker.

split me into a different direction.

change like time,
for yourself that is.
who are you now?
one person now, tomorrow a new.
neglect the shift you`ve made.
smiles come for hours at a time, swap them with another.
who`s wrong though?
are we all?

big adventure!

kendra and i had the best time the other day!
okay so we had a car but we decided to walk to her house.
yeah her wierd idea.
so she got my dogs bag and put 2 stuffed animal in it and grabbed my tiger stuffed animal.
then i put on 2 medals and a man purse and a bag with an empty barbie box in it.
us being stupid, we made up a whole lie if the cops asked us were we where going.
we said that we`d say we where going to a part, yeah and it was only 6, why we thought the
cops would pull us over i don`t know.
but anyways we started walking and sang half of the infinity on high cd, and i started to
mosh by myself. trying to mosh with cars, yeah didn`t work.
so we just acted stupid and then we where almost at her house and we stopped and wanted to get
honks from people. we got 11. it was awesome. we did honking motions so people
would honk at us. lmfaoo, it was a lot of stupid ass random fun!

history writen upon a wrist.

some things are ment to be over.
others to be never forgotten.
prone to my misery,
therefor i am content.
invisible in my eyes.
given feelings of nostalgia,
wanting for a completeness.

i`d build you a bridge if it ment helping you across.

if a hug could take away the pain, i`d hug you till we both turn blue.
remember there`s always light at the end.
keep your eye on it.
times are hard.
and i know your head is turning.
i`d burn this city down just to see you smile.
keep your secret,
and hide your tears from the world.
whispered words and unpitched laughs,
and a name you don`t even know.
eyes could sync and smiles picture perfect.
you`d be the one.
i`ll open your eyes,
let you peer into clear waters.
to words unknown and hearts untouched.
i`ll keep you inside.

new light.

i took a walk today, it`s been so long.
no where special, just to check the mail.
the feeling was though.
i pressed play and forgot where i was headed.
let the wind hit my face.
the weathers nice for walking now.
i thought of you, thought of life.
i see things a little different.
old obsessions fade.
new ones will surface.
cut my hair, stared in the mirror.
i`m happy, seems like the girl staring back is new.
not just appearance.
her insites changed.
this time the smile feels real.
the happiness comes from the heart.
something it hasn`t felt in so long.
laugh, i wanted to dance.
skipped a little.
felt good just to let go for a second.
almost like it was only me and my music.
the world had disappeared, kinda how i felt with you.
sure as seasons change, you drifted.
vegas lights glared brite as always.
i can`t wait to leave, if only for a couple days.
breath of fresh air.
i think i`ll write you a goodbye note,
and throw it in the ocean.
once i walk away, i`ll be done forever.

shot to hell.

my plans got killed for the end of the month.
it really sucks, and i`m kinda upset. i hope it doesn`t ruin my day.
so extensions on hold, gotta wait till i find out the new concert date. i`m a little annoyed.
today i have to stay awake, still have a lot of things to do.
another day of driving. ugh, sucks. going all around town is not the best thing.
i`m still getting my hair cut, just waiting for my dad to get home.
that`s not likely to happen any time soon though.

other then that i`m good. gotta smile on my face. i`m doing my sisters page, haha.
i`m thinking tonite needs to be a denny`s night.
it`s been a while since we`ve gone, lmao.
the only real food we ever eat, since none of us know how to cook.
fast food isn`t us anymore, i mean what can a vegetarian get but some damn fries.
sorry doesn`t fill me up.

i had sushi yesterday! ahhh, it was awesome. it`s been so long since i`ve eatin it.
fish is the only form of meat i`ll eat. but yes it was tasty. cali rolls are my fav.

so we have a new thing. we changed our names to androgynous names.
me; jaK. victoria; coRey. kendra; danny. cece; sammy.
we`re pretty awesomely awesome for being awesome <3

all in a days.

it`s almost seven in the morning, i haven`t slept!
yeah for me. well kendra and i. we`re awake. talking about where we wanna live
when we turn eighteen. i can`t wait. counting down this year fursure.
summerlyn is the spot.

hopefully photography come through. i wanna be set with a job by next year.

kendra is a loser. she`s talking shit about my dogs forehead. saying her brain is as big as
her fist. and that she must think a lot with such a big forehead. she holds a lot of memories in
that domb.

today; i`m getting my haircut. then it`s off to every side of town i can think of.
i need to find my extensions. the ones i was getting are to short.
i hope this other place has red. if not... i`ll be an angry kid.

i miss vicky. late nights are weird without her. kenda is a loser still. ugh, nasty ass mind of hers.
myspace is wack, always has been. hahaha, i`m still on though. uh, other things.
vicky can`t find thnks fr th mmrs...with a twist. she`s getting mad.
LMFAOO, inside joke.

ew, i`m listening to 30 seconds to mars - the kill. i`m not a fan but this song is cool.
i like the chorus. kendra`s hungry, as am i.

umm, MY BIRTHDAY IS IN 5 DAYS! i`m so excited. SIX FLAGS/CALI IN A WEEK!
kendra is making my unicorn and cheetah stuffed animals have sex.

what i want for my birthday... hoodie, white chucks, and the new academy is cd.
and to be with my friends. =]

okay so stupid shit i did. i guess that after i was done brushing my teeth i forgot to turn the
sink off. and yeah you do the math. there was water every where. LMFAOO.
funny thing is i swore that i turned it off.

burning bridges.

i wrote you a song.
there were no words.
not to you anyway.
only i could see them.

i hate the way you can still make my mascara run,
without saying a word.
i cry for myself.
some want apologies,
not me though.
from you they`re only lies.
your sorrys' always had smiles behind them.
dig yourself a hole,
and bury our memories,
along with my heart.
hopefully you`ll forget mine only beated for you.
forget that at one time i was all you thought about,
the short time that is.
i read the old letters i never had the courage to give you.
they made me cry.
not from being sad though,
they where tears of laughter.
on how pathetic i was.
i never saw through your fake smile.
i see the lies now,
and how it was never my fault.
i dwell now on my mistake.
on my mistake of holding on.
putting to much time into a timeless matter.
all the tocks on the clock still wouldn`t be enough.
now buttons have been pushed.
and hearts have been broken.
let`s be through with each other.
and forget we had ever spoken.

"so bury me, in memory."

an eternal love.

her body is gone, but her soul always remains.
i feel her, even though she`s been gone so long.
i wish i was you.
that i could be half the woman you were.
i know you cry when you see the person i`ve become.
if i was up there i`d feel the same.
when i lay down i sometimes think you`r next to me.
i cry in the bathroom and pretend you`re there.
i pretend you wipe my tears and remind me you love me.
atleast someone does right?
i try to hard to smile.
it doesn`t come naturally anymore.
even memories feel blank.
no emotion attached.
i feel like a shell of my former self.
i`ll end it one day, this time sucessful.
signing off, i`ll see you soon.

portrait.

incomplete,
she`s no longer there.
i hold my hand out,
yet no ones there to walk me through.
he`s never been the same.
not since you left.
words have become shorter,
i love you`s become bitter.
hate fills each room slowely.
i run away in my thoughts.
i search for you.
a simple smile,
i search for you voice telling me it`s alrite.
call me a mistake.
maybe?
now a days i never can tell.
he always makes it seem that way.
would he notice if i ran away?
maybe his life would just continue without fault.
i looked at an old picture.
tears came to my eyes but nothing fell.
i`m happy you`re gone.
not because i don`t miss you,
but you no longer have to deal with the pain.
the pain of everyday life.
and the pain of seeing me become an even bigger disapointment.

pitty of yesterday

tears fall,
and people change.
i`ve seen a lot of this lately.
life gives you a sink or swim,
i say speak or be forgotten.
the holding of anothers hand no longer exsists.
everyone has become numb.
the only feeling of sadness or depression comes from pitty for ones self.
black holes,
they`re always deeper then they seem.
life is a pattern like bricks in a wall.
it`s all in how you lay them.

forever silent.

i`ve forgotten your name and the taste of your lips. you`re voice along with the words you speak no longer impress me. you`ve become just another face in the crowd. a person that with time the image will fade. if i passed you i wouldn`t say hello, i doubt i`d even bother to look up. it`s easy to forget the face but the memories are more complex. i opened my eyes and finally realized i never needed you. i`ve become comfortably numb. i can breathe once again on my own, and i feel no pain.

turn and run.

say what you please, do what you may. not a soul can bring me down more then i. rachel, yes equals rachel`s worst enemy. you can`t say anything to me that i haven`t already. every name, every word you replay, i once said. it makes me sad to watch the people that pretend to love me, but in reality the only thing the love about me is to bring me down.

note to self,
keep your mask on as you walk the streets. smile at the stranger that snears at you. because we all know as soon as your paths cross and soon take new journeys they`ll have a book to say aboout you. pittey the fool that feels there words are stronger enough to break you. truelly you should feel bad for them, not for yourself. they need to cast down insults to someone to make themselves feel better. but once they need a person, they need help. no one will be there to hold there hand.

"there are a handful of people that hate me, but there is also a larger handful that love me."

double knot your problems

everything that used to matter tends not to have meaning now. don`t blame yourself though, you`ve just become the new you. you no longer feel the burn of yesterday and new taste seems bitter. a simple kiss even feels like momentary bliss, but the feeling fades as the clock moves to the next minute. these things you need hide though, cover your thoughts from the world. put a blanket of deceit on and a smile to fool the common day person.

rainy days

i love bad weather because it always agrees with my mood.

rainy days are always my favorite. the bad weather calms me. it`s like a sense of release standing in the rain as the drops splash down on your face. you feel uplifted. like old problems wash away. i feel new, like i can make a fresh start on something.

endless roads.

i packed my things and waved goodbye. the door shut and i peered out into the world to come. i pressed the gas pedal to the floor, still not knowing where i was going. your face echoed in the back round as i screamed. i never need you to show me were i needed to go, i`ll never know that. i`m always lost, better yet i always will be. i guess the sence of direction was never granted to me. i`m numb to the feeling. my road has continued and it`s made many turns into finding what it is i need in life. sometimes i wonder am i even worth loving, could anyone love you? why put up a fight that you`ll most likely never win. i`d call myself an ongoing battle that you`ll never defeat. when i reach my new destination i`ll look out the window and smile. i`m not smiling because i`m happy, i`m smiling because it`s what i`ll call home. nothing long term, nothing for me is. just a temporary moment of bliss. it lets my mind rest and believe it`s ment to be this time.

looking.

"i`m looking for someone like me, were the feeling is mutual."

remember me,

i hope you`ll always remember me, even when you`re not looking down.
we never had a mutual love for each other, i`d say we never got along.
i`m much older now, you still don`t see me for who i am.
my dreams see to be a practical joke in your eyes.
i wish i could go back for a second and be a child, maybe somehow grasp your attention for a second.
now a days it`s a simple hello, or i`m leaving.
there`s no friendship, no father daughter nights out.
i envy those when i see them out with there parents, sharing love and good times.
i wish sometimes it was me, i wish i could put myself in there seat.
just once see how it feels to have a parent, a parent who really cares for me.
a parent who enjoys to be around there child.
i feel i`m a burden and you`ll be happier when i`m gone.
yet you`ve never shown true hate, or treated me horrible.
it`s mainly your attitude, i feel your annoyed.
sometimes i feel you wish i was never here.
that if i left forever your life would continue without bother.
i`ve made it this far without you, and i`ll continue my journey without you.

come what may.

i feel at this time in my life, it`s best to let go. i have to cast out the negativity and remember this is my life. i know the people that once were, were here for a reason. they all helped in some way and made there presence known. each has a mark that will be left forever. like a scare, it never fades. but i have to realize i don`t need them. they also left for a reason, and are no longer here with me. some i know it was for the best and that we never should have tried so hard to keep it together, others i know it was much mutual differences. people always seem to change in one way or another. whether it be good or bad, you hold that in your eyes. no one can tell you, you`ve changed and it`s bad. if you`re happy with your changes then be proud.

me, i`m happy. generally happy. why shouldn`t i be. i`m learning to let go of my past and look forward to the future. vacation spots, anticipated birthday night, to exciting concerts. it`s all to come in the near future. i can`t help but have a smile. i always need to remember there`s always something good to come. if you`ve hit the bottom the only way you can go is up. i`ve hit my bottom for the month and now all i can do is look up. look forward to what i know is coming.